Clean surf – becoming balanced

“Clean or glassy surf is a smooth water surface with aesthetically balanced waves”

What I hoped to acquire in the last week was equilibrium. The plan for managing my lymphoedema was in place, and all that I had to do was be objective and stand back from the emotion. For the most part, this was achieved and I have enjoyed a satisfying or ‘aesthetic’ calm. Two weeks of the twelve week testing period are complete and we have obtained some decent baseline measures. Training stress, although high, has been kept constant and at a level that is sustainable for this 3-month testing period. I am shattered and at times feel shrouded by a web of fatigue, but all athletes will testify that these efforts do bring rewards and most of us subscribe (much to my father’s chagrin) to the adage that “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”.  

A formidable task, and one that I will have to deal with for another week, has been keeping to the minimum techniques for controlling my leg swelling. When we were planning the testing protocol, Coach Helen probed to see if I could endure the first three week period completely devoid of ‘lymphoedema-management’, working on the principle that we introduce the training stress and see how bad the reaction was. Now, I can see where she was coming from, and for academic rigour I fully understand her asking the question. However, we both knew in our hearts that this would put an unhealthy strain on my mental resources, and agreed to compromise on certain ‘baseline’ methods. This has meant me holding back on controlling the edema. I can’t deny that there have been times when I’ve not wanted to do it the precise way and be patient, it’s tough knowing that I could be doing more to reduce the swelling and yes, I’ve wanted to snatch at things to make it better straight-away. But, it is in my nature to be meticulous and I have managed to keep to the plan. That is the most satisfying part; thankfully my state of equilibrium is stable, so when I have a wobble, I am able to return to a restful and pleasing place.

Funnily enough it has been the exogenous factors that have knocked me off my ‘floater’ this week. By word of mouth, more and more of my circle of friends have been drawn to this blog, and have found out for the first time what the true extent of the condition is and how it has affected me. Their outpouring of sympathy and kind words has been truly wonderful. In fact some special people have been so genuinely upset for me that I felt a bit of a fraud! Maybe because writing this blog has become a cathartic release for me but I was overwhelmed by the response it provoked. It has been propitious as it has made me realise how paltry my condition is in the bigger scheme of things; it’s not serious, it’s not life-threatening, ok it may be life-changing but it is really just a nuisance, nothing more.  This is how I feel when I’m floating the clean surf.

That’s not so say that I haven’t also had a petulant episode in all of this and my confession is that I lost it while out on a recent group cycle ride. It might be going too far to say I’m a loner, but I’m pretty self-sufficient and never feel the need to train with others. For whatever reason, though, this weekend, I decided that I’d join in with an organised ride around Sussex. Mistakenly I thought it would be nice to have some company for a change. As we cycled and rotated around there was plenty of time for ‘small talk’; all the standard questions, how’s training going, when are you racing, are you going to Nationals? It really forced home to me that I didn’t want to explain my situation anymore; I didn’t want to relive it all again and again and again.  I guess I’d got into a pattern where I wrote about it and then buried it! The more I clammed up and gave monosyllabic responses, the more questions it solicited. By the end I wanted to shout NO, NO, NO to the questions, no I really am not racing, no I really am not going to Nationals, don’t you realise I’VE GOT LYMPHOEDEMA...... It wasn’t the fault of my fellow cyclists, how are people who are just acquaintances supposed to know? But, it was a rude awakening for me that there are factors outside of my control and that every now and then I’m going to be knocked into the ‘soup’ of churning waters of emotional wave activity. In hindsight, perhaps this is just as big a challenge for me? A salutatory lesson that this is a long journey that I’m only just embarking on.